Pub / Event Songs Part 3

My Girlfriends’ a Vegetable

Melody – My Gals a Corker


My girlfriend is a vegetable,

She lives in the hospital,

I’d do most anything to keep her alive!


She’s got a new a new TV,

It is called an EKG!

I’d do most anything to keep her alive! (chorus)


Her EKG does not rise,

Still she can part her thighs,

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She has no arms or legs

Just hooks and wooden pegs

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She has no feet or hands

Her head’s held on by rubber bands

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She’s got a tracheotomy

She can breathe while giving head to me

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She cannot hear, she cannot see

But she’s got an oral cavity

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She can’t get out of bed

Still she can give me head

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She might not live out the night

So she won’t put up a fight

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

She’s had an episiotomy

That’s a bigger hole for me

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

My girl has leprosy

Bits and pieces land all over me

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

I’m always guaranteed a blow

Because she cannot say no

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

My girl has long blonde hair

It’s in patches here and there

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

There’s one doctor I won’t let in

That’s Dr. Kevorkian

I’d do most anything to keep her alive (chorus)

The Ball of Kerrymuir

Balls to your partner,
Ass against the wall,
If you’ve never been laid on Saturday night,
You’ve never been laid at all.


First lady forward,
second lady back.
Third lady’s finger up
the fourth lady’s crack. (chorus)


Four and twenty virgins,
Came down from Inverness,
And when the ball was over
There were four and twenty less.

There was fucking in the hallways,
And fucking in the ricks,
You couldn’t hear the music
For the swishing of the pricks.

There was fucking in the kitchen,
And fucking in the halls,
You couldn’t hear the music for
The clanging of the balls.

They were fucking in the Barley.
They were fucking in the oats.
Some were fucking sheep,
but most were fucking goats.

There was fucking in the parlor,
And fucking on the stairs,
You couldn’t see the carpet
For the mass of public hairs.

There village leper he was there,
Sitting on a log,
Peeling off his foreskin
And feeding it to the dogs.

The parson’s daughter she was there,
The cunning little runt,
With poison ivy up her ass
And thistle up her cunt.

The village idiot he was there
Sitting on a pole
Pulled his foreskin over his head
And whistled though the hole.

Little Tommy he was there
He was only eight
Couldn’t fuck the women
So he had to masturbate.

The blacksmith’s brother he was there
A mighty stud was he
Lined ’em up against the wall
And fucked ’em three-by-three.

The village cripple he was there,
He couldn’t move too much,
So he lined the ladies against the wall,
And fucked them with his crutch!

The village policeman he was there,
The pride of the force,
They found him in the stables,
Jacking off the horse!

Little Jimmy he was there,
The leader of the choir,
He hit the balls of all the boys,
To make their voices go higher!

The bride she was there,
Explaining to the groom,
That the vagina not the asshole,
Is the entrance to the womb!


And when the ball was over,
Everyone confessed,
They all enjoyed the dancing,
But the fucking was the best! (chorus)

El Camino


El Camino, El-el Camino,

El Camino, El-el Camino,

Well the front is like a car,

And the back is like a truck,

The front is where you drive,

And the back is where you… (chorus)


You can drive to the brothel,

You can drive it to the store,

The front you fill with groceries,

The back you fill with… (chorus)

Well the front is where you fuck,

And the back is where you fuck,

The front is where you fuck,

And the back is where you… (chorus)

The back rides high,

And the front rides low,

I’ll give you a free ride,

If you give me a… (chorus)

You can pay with weed,

Or you can pay with gas,

If you don’t have either,

Then you can pay with… (chorus)

You can take out classy ladies,

You can take out dirty sluts,

In the front you kiss them softly,

In the back you do their… (chorus)

You can drive an automatic,

Or you can drive a stick,

Doesn’t matter how you drive it,

Cause you’ll still suck my… (chorus)

You can go and pick up tacos,

Or you can and pick up wine,

You can pick up your girlfriends mom,

and do her from… (chorus)

Gang Bang

Melody – “Billboard March”


I going to the gang bang, Oh yes I will,

‘Cause a gang bang makes me such a fucking thrill.

When I was younger, and in my prime,

I used to gang bang all the time,

But now I’m older, and turning gray,

I only gang bang twice a day.


Leader: Knock-knock

All: Who’s there?

Leader: Ida

All: Ida, who?

Leader: Ida want another gang bang!



Arranger for best entry at the gang bang! (chorus)


All of her clothes were off at the gang bang! (chorus)

Dolly Parton

Dolly’s partin’ her thighs at the gang bang! (chorus)


Yurin for sloppy seconds at the gang bang! (chorus)


Tijuana bring your mother to the gang bang! (chorus)


Kissinger great, but fuckin her’s better at the gang bang! (chorus)


Aren’t you glad you’re at the gang bang! (chorus)


I spend too much time at the at the bang bag (chorus)


I wish we were at the gang bang (chorus)


She’ll be sore after the gang bang! (chorus)


P-P-P-Please take me to the gang bang! (chorus)


Plenty O puss at the gang bang! (chorus)


How were the tits at the gang bang! (chorus)


It stinked like fish at the gang bang! (chorus)


Maybe she’ll do us all at the gang bang! (chorus)


I leaned her over the couch at the gang bang! (chorus)


Had a lot of sex at the gang bang! (chorus)


Surely you got laid at the gang bang! (chorus)


I’m a glad we had this gang bang! (chorus)


I’s an hour late for the gang bang! (chorus)


Glad he ate her out before the gang bang! (chorus)


My dicks erect at the gang bang! (chorus)


Can ya give me directions to the gang bang! (chorus)


I bet you won’t be alone at the gang bang! (chorus)

Charlie Pryde

Charlie pried her legs apart at the gang bang! (chorus)

Be Our Guest

Fuck her breasts
be my guest
Put some oil
upon her chest
Stick your dick
between her nipples
Let the boobies
do the rest

It’s a cinch to begin
Hop on top and
slide it in
If you’re lucky
get some sucky
when your dickhead
hits her chin

Make ’em shake
Make ’em dance
You may come on
your underpants
Tell her that you’ve
only one request

If you start to get hot
just finger your own twat
Be my guest
Be my guest
Be my guest

Slap her boob

with your tube
If it’s not the proper lube
put some butter on her utter
even margarine’ll do

Make her squeeze
when it stalls
Put some pressure on those walls
Fill the tunnel for your funnel
and a place to rest your balls

When you come on her lap
cleaning up is such a snap
I know my pussy squeeze
is not the best

So when you’re all alone
and the dog comes home
Be my guest
Be my guest
Be my guest

Invite your mother in-law
for a menage-a-trois
Be my guest
Be my guest
Be my guest

Medical Love Song

Inflammation of the foreskin
Reminds me of your smile
I’ve had ballanital chancroids
For quite a little while

I gave my heart to NSU
That lovely night in June
I ache for you, my darling
And I hope you get well soon

My penile warts, your herpes
My syphilitic sores
Your moenelial infection
How I miss you more and more

Your dhobi’s itch, my scrumpox
Our lovely gonorrhea
At least we both were lying
When we said that we were clear

Our syphilitic kisses
Sealed the secret of our tryst
You gave me scrotal pustules
With a quick flick of your wrist

Your trichovaginitis
Sent shivers down my spine;
I got snail tracks in my anus
When your spirochetes met mine

Gonococcal urethritis
Streptococcal ballinitis
Diplococcal cephalitis
Interstitial keratitis
Syphilitic choroiditis
And antertior uveitis

My clapped out genitalia
Is not so bad for me
As the complete and utter failure
Every time I try to pee

My doctor says my buboes
Are the worst he’s ever seen
My scrotum’s painted orange
And my balls are turning green

My heart is very tender
Though my parts are awful raw
You might have been infected
But you never were a bore

I’m dying of your love, my love
I’m your spirochaetal clown
I’ve left my body to science
But I’m afraid they’ve turned it down